if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You took a bar mat shot.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
