I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
