you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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