Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
