Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
