my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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