i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
