ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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