The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Randomize
