The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
