I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
