Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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