We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
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