Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
