The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
