Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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