Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
