Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
