All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
