Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
