and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
