Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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