the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
