i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
