i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
