I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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