its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
