whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
