for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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