I think I died a long time ago.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
