when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
