sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
