You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
