Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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