my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
