I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
