God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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