Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
