her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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