Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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