If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
