Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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