If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
