I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
NoShamevember. You game?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
