ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
