Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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