best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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