I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
