I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
