woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
