A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
