any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
