Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't put those talents on a resume
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
